It's not the years in your life that count.....

Today was felt more painful and sad than others as i remember where i was last year- watching my friend who was just 24 and full of life suddenly be gone-and be buried in small country cemetery. I thought the next time i would see her would be her wedding day or some random time she was home...not her funeral. The day she passed seemed like any other to me because i was so blissful last year on the 14th because i didn't know yet, it wasn't until the 16th that i knew, and then today the 21st of her funeral. My heart hurts, my soul hurts i miss her terribly. I've kept busy but nothing can quite get your mind completely off of something so heart breaking.

I posted this last year after her funeral, after all wearing that black skirt and floral black top and heels, and marching into that church like i wasn't broken. I cried more than i think i ever have before, because of hurt, because of regret, because of the fear of the unknown. 

I thought knowing the reason she passed would make it different and i held onto that, but even after finding out i hurt. 

We wake up one day thinking its a ordinary day, and little do you know sometimes its the day that changes everything. I wish i could turn back time and do things differently like reach out more, call her and hear her voice, tell her to stop being stubborn and go to the doctor. And i wish i would have stood up and said something anything at her funeral. 

But now as i search for moments full of her, moments of laughter and jokes, and silly photos, and binge watching shows and drinking dr. pepper, Country car drives, exploring places, wading in creeks, sleeping in, and just being giggly.  I hold tight to those moments, those seconds of time i transport myself to to find peace.

She will always be my best friend, yet a mystery- how was she was so strong yet sweet, so smart and soft spoken yet so silly and animated. How did she fit so much into 24 years of life? How did she impact so many ? 

She will always be a part of my heart and soul.

One of my favorite photos I've ever taken of her. Especially now that she's gone, It's like a symbol of her flying, her freedom and her spirit. She did alot in her 24 years. And i hope to live like she did and be brave and sassy, and silly and sweet- and live each day to the fullest. Over this last year all i thought i had gained thru this was a hole in my heart. But i also gained the wisdom to love stronger, fight harder, laugh more, and tell people exactly how i feel. 

So thank you Carrie for all the things you have taught me over the years....

Love you always, 

Clarissa