The quote I've added to the photo above, describes the last year of my life.I lost my oldest, dearest friend from childhood last year on July 14th. As that day crawls closer, my heart still aches, my mind still races to small moments, photographs, smiles and laughter road trips and late nights, all the moments filled with her. I met Carrie as a 1 year old baby- she was 6 months younger than me and we grew up attending church together (her father being the pastor) in a small town in northeast Kansas. As the years went by we became closer- birthday parties, Christmas programs at church, church camp, Sunday school lessons and playing hide and seek in the church basement are among the few strongest memories i have from way back when. We attended different schools but that didn't stop our friendship from continuing to grow. We always said we were sisters at heart, because god didn't think our mother's could handle us together all the time--still think that one is true. Because we packed as much into every weekend sleepover or birthday party we could-the usual staying up late, lots of giggling, playing with dolls and going on adventures outside.
As the years went on the closer we became- she was my very best friend- we shared everything the firsts of life, and we shared every secret. We shared so many of the same interest Pokemon cards, barbies, being tom boys, loving animals and Mary Kate and Ashley Olson and even going as far as planning our clothes so maybe people would think we were twins...we wanted so badly to be sisters and twins. Her childhood home burnt down when we were kids- i was devastated for her and didn't know how to help so i remember buying her tons of little things to help make it easier- they had literally lost everything so i got her hair ties, and a stuffed monkey, candy and notebook and things i knew would help make the next few days and moments livable as they picked up the pieces, she sent me the sweetest email saying it did help and my heart was happy so blessed that she made it out of that fire and lived to see many more days.
And even as we grew up even more we didn't part ways we just got closer- Carrie was in a serious car accident when we were about 15 years old. As soon as my dad called me crying in knew something was up- as he told me the details i broke into pieces there were so many unknowns- she had some serious internal injuries and was life flighted to a bigger hospital in Kansas city. I cried the whole way down there, and as i stood in her room by her bed, holding her soft hand she told me everything she remembered and i wished in that moment i could take it away for her- i wished i could take the pain the suffering the scared look in her eyes and make it mine. Carrie survived and became stronger because of the accident- having one single scar on her leg in the shape of a heart. I knew it was our second chance to be even closer and be more connected and that's exactly what happened. High school is rough for everybody- so many changes so much growing up....we grew up together and as we learned to drive and got cars that made our adventures together even better- we were mobile to explore old houses in the boonies, go eat Chinese food and buy stupid stuff at dollar general, and find old cemeteries. Cemeteries always gave us a sense of peace and calmness, we went the the old country near where i lived and as we were exploring noticed a lonely grave way at the back- we read the name and later researched it finding it was a woman who lost her life during child birth- her husband moved on and re-married so she and her infant son were left alone. It was then our goal to bring life back to lonely graves, place flowers by them clean them up, and pull the weeds- because nobody should be forgotten. So we continued finding graves, cleaning researching for years everyone including our parents thought it was a weird hobby for high school girls...but hey it kept us out of trouble most of the time.
As i graduated i was scared to lose our friendship- i was moving into an apartment over and hour away as she started her senior year. And it hurt not only to be away from home and all that i knew, but also away from her. We grew apart a bit but still kept in touch, I will never forget the flood of 18 birthday cards i received the week i turned 18 and the joy i felt opening each one and feeling the love and the feeling of home. We stayed in touch and close for a while, but after she graduated and moved to Oklahoma things changed we grew apart but still stayed in touch via social media. I got engaged in the winter of 2011 and i knew my oldest and dearest friend would be beside me (i had always dreamed of that) and she was right there beside me our big day! I'm so blessed that i got to have that moment- she gave me the sweetest gift and card that day and i hoped that would be our turning point of being adult friends. Her father preformed the ceremony and it was a beautiful day, but there was still a feeling of distance between us because it had been so long.
Fast forward past all the moments where i tried so badly to stay connected to stay friends to stay linked in any way i sent cards, birthday gifts, messages on social media, Go all the way to 2015 where my life was turned upside down and inside out July 2015 i had already had such a hard year, losing a beloved pet, depression anxiety up, and then like a train hitting me in the chest on a outing my mother celebrating my sister that had passed away's 40th birthday, i read a cryptic facebook post that i knew had to be an inside joke a cruel prank something, anything but what i was reading, i panicked i started searching and scrambling for answers, the answer i found was that Carrie was dead. She had died on July 14th it was days later and i was just finding out, so many moments had passed and until then i hadn't felt sadness or pain, And now i wish i could go back to that blissful peace of not knowing. My life changed forever in that moment, i turned to my mother and fell to pieces, i called my father crying and he knew his baby girl was broken. Everyone in tears, i couldn't breathe, speak it just couldn't be true. I can vividly see every detail, every heart breaking moment and it all still seems so real yet like a horrible horrible dream. The days that came next were continually heart breaking and devastating. As i told others, and found an outfit to wear to her funeral, as i walked in and was held by her parents in the sanctuary of the church and feeling the pain grow as i saw these strong people shatter, my pain to numbness.We had no answers she was 24 and gone in an instant for no reason, and that made it all the worse .As the days passed i was lost and torn and broken and many helped lift me back up and put the pieces back together. Every minute of that week is a time i wont forget, it is burned not only in my mind but my heart. The pain and overwhelming guilt of what could have been will always weigh heavy on me. Carrie was laid to rest on a hot July day, in a tiny country cemetery just like the many we visited thru the years and as i stood shaking and watched my oldest friend be buried, i also listened to the trees move and corn blow in the wind, and i felt peace. It was months later we found out the reason we lost that quiet brown eyed girl, It was a pulmonary embolism, it was for a reason but it still didn't make it right, how did this happen to her? So suddenly so unexpected? It was some time later i finally had a good dream about her, she hugged me so tight and we said goodbye, i finally could breathe again.... The year has flown by and my road of sorrow and mourning has been a curvy and hard path. But i have also found peace and myself sprinkled in between the pain, i have realized to do things and not regret, to try harder and to not give up. To always say i love you, and how you feel because each moment is precious. I have found a way to grieve by writing and talking to her, to revisiting those places, those moments that are filled with her. And for the rest of my days i will search for moments and days full of her. So days will be happy days filled with her love and light, and some days will be filled with that heartbreak and sadness all over again.In the passing months i found peace in small things a random cat that would always be around my home when i was down. Sage- i believe its Carrie saying Hello! There is just something about this silly kitty that can always make me smile, and always make the day a bit brighter.
I have also found peace by keeping in touch with her family, writing letters and sending cards, texts, gifts for holidays etc. We have helped each other put the pieces back together, and find comfort and joy in each other's company this last year. For Carrie's birthday in December, we had a party for her, all her favorites and we released balloons with messages to her. It was such a sad, bitter cold day but it was also beautiful. I will never let anyone forget you Carrie Elizabeth Smith. Never...Ever... I will always decorate your grave and keep it clean, i will always think and dream of you. As you said Loved you yesterday, love you still, always have and always will.
And as my grief changes so did i, i have found a inner peace and strength i never knew i had. I found a part of me that wants to do for myself sometimes and not always others. I found a side that is hungry for knowledge and self discovery. And i know that Carrie will be by my side thru all the years left in my life, guiding me...I still have so much left to say to her, and each day as i become more brave i say them. I will never stop loving and missing that sassy, sweet quiet book worm.
Never.
Grief is just that a ocean of pain and the waves keep crashing,,,and we all know i don't even know how to swim. But i know now so much more than i knew just 1 year ago, and i thank her for that. Even though i'm mad at you Carrie that you didn't respond and try to hold tight to our friendship, i understand life is busy i wasn't always the best friend either. But i also thank you for helping me find myself thru all these years, and even more in this past year without you. I have discovered who is important to me, who is truly there for me, and how strong i really am.
