Missing Lucille

My Grandmother died March 17, 2017 just before 8 pm. With myself, my sister and aunt nearby, along with 2 nurses. And now im lost.

Year is Almost Over

Well the year is almost over yet again, i don't feel that i've accomplished anything great, or done anything wonderful with this past year. I have said many times this is the year....i'm going to get around to some bucket list items...live more etc... but every year i don't. I'm a big baby, i'm afraid of change and adventure. I'm afraid of failure and pain disappointment. I vowed after Carrie's death to live life more fully, because you truly never know what will happen. Her life was cut so short, there was so much left for her to experience and do in this world. As her birthday nears i think of her more and more, and dream of her and as my heart gets heavier with the passing days, it hurts in another way of would she be disappointed  in me? Would she wonder where the fire has gone within my soul? I had so many hopes and goals when i was younger.... And now it's just a day by day normal life with no goals or dreams. I'm happily married yes, i've got a beautiful home, job etc.. those are all good things in my life. But i dreamed of being a photographer, traveling, going on adventures...And now i look back and think that i haven't been out of the 3 state surrounding area in over 5 years, i haven't worked to grow my photography passion or  business...and i certainly haven't been on enough adventures. I hope that i can find my place, my fire again, i hope that in the coming years of my life i can live up to what i have always wanted to be. And i hope that i can live a life that i think Carrie would be proud of. She was my very first friend, my best friend and non-biological sister, we went on many adventures, trips, and dreamed so many dreams and hopes together...and i hope to keep her spirit alive within me....because her spirit should definitely not be forgotten......

Moving On

Well its been a while since I've posted but life has been busy! I have been working alot of hours and been busy with other things in life.... That's how it goes right? But good news is that Kenny found a job! And started today! That's great for us, i can breathe again! I was so stressed over it all. I dont know what else to really say at the moment just figured i would write a little update!

-Clarissa

Figuring it all out....

Hello all,

Currently trying to figure everything out, my life has been absolutely crazy lately, between family, friends, kenny losing his job etc.... I feel like im slipping back to what i just overcame. Depression, well its hard to completely over come anxiety and depression but i was doing well. I know that hardly anybody reads this...but it makes me feel better to talk it out. My life has been a roller coaster for as long as i remember. But lately it has so hard to cope thru the tough times. I dont know what to do or how to help Kenny get thru what he's going thru. I dont know how to cope, i just feel lost.

-C

Life and Dreaming..

How can the heart ever fully heal from a loss? Especially when your subconscious takes memories, and blends them with hopes and desires and makes them into a dream. Dreaming is so beautiful and blissful, sometimes they seem so incredibly real, then you wake up to the reality that is life.

It has been a rough week already, My husband found out Monday that his position at his job (he's worked at for 12 years) was eliminated. 12 years of hard work, he went to school while working there full time and most of the time overtime. He graduated with a 3.3 GPA, drove a hr each way to work...and then applied for a higher position (the one he has worked for the past 4 years) And Monday all those years and hard work ....were ended taken away. We're worried, and figuring it all out and really just in shock. He's looking for something new, and i'm trying to keep it together and be positive. Life is crappy sometimes....it will all work out. I have the very best guy by my side.

The start of it all, almost 8 years ago now...

Almost 5 year ago on our wedding day.

4th of July this year <3

But to get on with my first point of this blog. I had a dream Monday night (the day we learned of Kenny's job loss). And that dream was so real, and vivid and wonderful of my Carrie. I've had a few dreams about her, a few  bad scary ones, and a few good ones... I'm glad this was another good one.  This was a simple one of  us being together and goofing around, and i said its been a long time, and she turned and said yes its been way way way to long.... 

And as i awoke i felt like crying for multiple reasons. My life as i know it is upside down. My husband has worked hard his entire adult life, we have both worked hard to get to where we're at. Homeowners, we have pets, and nice stuff, and decent used cars..etc... We've built our life and now its upside down. And also felt like crying because it was just a dream, i will never get to have that conversation with her, i will never get to see her smile or hear her laugh again. So as life takes these weird twists and turns i will learn to grow from them, i will learn my own strength that has grown so much in this past year. I know that the going will still be hard, But together with our friends and family for support we can make it thru anything...

-Clarissa

Take the Time...

Take the time to enjoy the people around you, your loved ones, your friends your co-workers, your neighbors... everybody life is way to short to be un-happy with who you are and where your at! We're literally all fighting the same battle! Yesterday i took the time and let the laundry sit, let the dishes soak a little longer..and took a drive to visit my grandmothers!

I'm newly 26 and blessed to still have both of my grandmother's, they even live in the same small town now just minutes away from each other. I live roughly 45 minutes away and don't visit as often as i should, but try to get there to visit when i can! Yesterday after i got off work, i thought heck the house cleaning can wait! And off i went, First i visited my grandma Hall who is in the nursing home and is 93 years young. She's only been at the nursing home about 2 years, her mobility is disappearing quickly, and she has heart issues and COPD. I was blessed to grow up just 1 mile away in boonies on a farm. I loved being so close, I would often get dropped off on the bus after school and stay with her for a bit, have cookies or homemade chex mix and lemonade with her. She had Shirley Temple movies and a league of their own on vhs i would watch. She had a computer (that i didn't have to fight for time on) and i would play games and talk to her. I loved all the toys she had (homemade life sized little orphan Annie) and other dolls and various old time toys and games. I always remember she never said love you or was a hugger...but i knew she cared, she knew my favorites and always had them for me! And now i come visit her and take her some of her favorites, fresh fruit, chocolate, and flowers! She is so fun to chat with still very much with it and sassy!
hope i can have half the spunk as i age, I've learned so much from her over the years....

My grandmother King is a wonderful sweet woman, i was lucky enough as a kid to grow up within 15 mins of both of my  grandmothers, and to have such different grandmothers as well. My grandma Hall is sassy and serious, and my grandma king is sweet and soft spoken. I loved going to my grandma king's house, she had a full finished basement with an office that had an old computer and phones that weren't hooked up...we would play hotel and office and with all the fun toys like dolls, and board games. She also had a pool table and Foosball which was always fun. She also had tons of barbies to play with because my handicapped aunt lives with her and LOVES barbies! Always a special guest bed for me to sleep in, and wonderful home cooked meals, a nice bath with bubbles before bed to. She always made us kids comfortable and feel safe and loved so very much. I also attended the same church growing up as my grandmother and that was special as she was my first Sunday school teacher, and her grandparents help build and start the church.

As Iv'e grown up Iv'e realized how very important loved ones are, and how special relationships with grandmother's are, both of mine have taught me so much. They've taught me about love, strength, kindness, hard work, dedication, how to cook and clean, how to bake and sew, and how to be independent and a good person. Grandmother's are a treasure in all they know and teach us. I hope to have mine for as long as possible, and to enjoy the small moments of stories and memories with them both. For i am blessed beyond any measurable amount.

17 years.

17 years is a long time, 17 years is most of my life. 17 years is the time I've spent without my older sister Kristal who died unexpectedly in a car accident in the early hours of August 7, 1999. That day forever changed our family. Because it wasn't just losing her, it was learning to live without her.

Everything has changed so much since she passed, her siblings have grown up and moved out and are all doing different wonderful things with their lives. Her babies aren't babies anymore but adults and 2 of them have babies of their own! She would be a grandma! She would also be 41 years old. She would be so proud of her children, i wonder if she would have had more kids? If she would have loved herself more, if she would have gotten the right meds to deal with her depression. I wonder so many things about my sister whom i feel so far from. I was just 9 had just turned 9 about a week before her death she was so much older than me, so to this day she's mysterious to me. I know i wanted to be just like her, i know she was beautiful and had big brown eyes. I know she loved her kids more than anything else in this world. And i know she was passionate and determined and strong. She overcame so many things within her life abuse, depression, being a single mother...the list could go on.

I know that in my life she would be proud of me, she would be proud that i found happiness, and proud of my strength. I hope that i can continue to live the life i know she would be proud of. 

As the years pass, i remember and hold my momma close on that day. I can't even begin to imagine the pain she feels. The day always comes and goes and makes us sad, yet remember her and her beautiful smile and energy. And as I've grown up i know and wonder what life would be like if she were here.... I'm now older than she was when she passed, that's so weird to think and to say.  So now i leave you with this...love those around you with your whole entire heart, say i love you...and don't let something small become something big...always work it out <3 Tomorrow isn't promised...